leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
You made her chain too long.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
a) Internet
b) Telephone
c) Telawoman
Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blowjob.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why did the woman cross the road?
What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!
Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
Cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.
There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman:
The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished shaggin' me bord, I get out of da bed, walk over to d'window and wipe me knob on the curtains. She hits the fockin' roof everytime."
A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."
Q) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A) So men can be open minded.
Q) What's the speed limit of sex?
A) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A) "Is it in?"
Q) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
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LukeGSi
Member
Registered: 9th Dec 03
User status: Offline
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dj_mikey_k
Member
Registered: 10th Jul 02
Location: Widnes, Cheshire
User status: Offline
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but if shelly shes this she'll kill me 
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Shelly
Premium Member
Registered: 15th Nov 00
Location: Lancashire Drives: Astra H VXR
User status: Offline
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Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
thats true...
michael what are you doing here 
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leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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Robbo
Member
Registered: 6th Aug 02
Location: London
User status: Offline
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What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already
PMSL
[Edited on 23-02-2004 by Robbo]
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Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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some corkers there
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dirtydan
Member
Registered: 3rd Sep 03
Location: Canvey, Essex Drives : Corsa Sport
User status: Offline
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rofl quality
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poole
Member
Registered: 12th Oct 03
Location: Sheffield, UK Drives: 2.5 v6 Calibra
User status: Offline
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PMSL
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Sims
Member
Registered: 15th Aug 03
Location: Bath/Bristol area Drove: 1994 Corsa SRi Now: VTR
User status: Offline
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quality. read all them and i think this was my fav....
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow 
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drunkenfool
Member
Registered: 7th Feb 03
Location: Hereford Drives: Audi R8 V8
User status: Offline
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about 10 of them just went out in text messages!
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combatprojex
Member
Registered: 12th Oct 03
Location: Wellingborough Drives: Corsa 1.2 16v & proud of it
User status: Offline
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nice
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Gavin
Premium Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: West Midlands
User status: Offline
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How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark. very very
pew pew pew pewwwww
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leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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Nice 1 Gav
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Gavin
Premium Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: West Midlands
User status: Offline
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very
i like!
pew pew pew pewwwww
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p1ummy
Member
Registered: 30th Jul 03
Location: A shithole called widnes
User status: Offline
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There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman:
The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished shaggin' me bord, I get out of da bed, walk over to d'window and wipe me knob on the curtains. She hits the fockin' roof everytime.
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