BigSte
Member
Registered: 27th Aug 02
Location: Sheffield
User status: Offline
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Bored as fuck at work.........need some jokes to cheer me up.
These were posted a few weeks ago and still make me laugh..
Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fcuking her.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
You made her chain too long.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
a) Internet
b) Telephone
c) Telawoman
Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blowjob.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why did the woman cross the road?
What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!
Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
Cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.
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sxi boy
Member
Registered: 11th Apr 02
Location: north east Drives: clio 182
User status: Offline
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6 newcastle players caught in drugs shame:
shearer cort dyer given bellamy speed
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L330wnz
Member
Registered: 9th Mar 04
Location: Norwich, Norfolk
User status: Offline
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What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the ass & say, "You're next!"
What's the difference between a bitch & a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, & a bitch sleeps with
everybody at the party except you.
What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.
What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.
How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
Why are women & Kentucky Fried Chicken the same?
By the time you're finished with the breast & thighs, all you have left is
the greasy box to put your bone in.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are already in the US.
Why don't they teach highway code & sex education on the same day in Iraq?
They don't want to wear out the camel.
Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
How do you find a blonde in long grass?
Pleasing!
When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
The tongue's still in the envelope.
Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, & your meat, but you just
can't beat a blow job.
What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Why do seagulls have wings?
To beat the gypsies to the tip.
Why did God invent alcohol?
So fat people can get laid.
What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
Your last blow job.
Why did god create women?
Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'Coping with Darkness'.
Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of the dog.
What have women & condoms got in common?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on the end of your cock.
How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a liquidizer.
What's got four legs & an arm?
A rottweiler.
What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Patient!!
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
How is pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
Why do bachelors like smart women
Opposites attract.
Why do Italians wear moustaches?
So they can look like their mother.
Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Did you hear about the new shade of Dulux called "Blonde"?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Why do women have FOREHEADS?
So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a BLOWJOB.
Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
Hope you all enjoy... I certainly did  
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Scotty_B
Member
Registered: 11th Jun 03
Location: East Kilbride
User status: Offline
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Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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Gavin
Premium Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: West Midlands
User status: Offline
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..... cheered me up abit 
pew pew pew pewwwww
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