michelle
Member
Registered: 15th Oct 03
Location: Kirkintilloch, Glasgow
User status: Offline
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anone got any crap jokes I love them. Here's a few;
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A walk.
Q: What's pink and wrinkled and hangs out your underwear?
A: Your Mum.
Q: How do you make a cat go `woof'?
A: Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
A: Bob
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of a door?
A: Mat
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?
A: Phil
Q: What do you call a person with only one arm and one leg?
A: Eileen
Q: What do you call a girl who goes fishing?
A: Annette.
What do you get if you dial 010 11 238 640397 239865 1207988?
A sore finger.
Why did the indian call the cowboy pale-face?
Because he had a bucket shaped head!
What do you call a septic cat?
Puss.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What's pink and hard? A: A pig with a flick knife.
Q. What do women and prawns have in common? A. There heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: Why do seagulls have wings? A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.
Q: Why did god invent alcohol? A: So fat women can get laid too.
Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word? A. Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!"
Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker? A: Your last blow job.
Q: Why did god create women? A: Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.
Q: What's 100 yds long and smells of piss? A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with darkness"
Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the shit out of the dog.
Q: What have women and condoms got in common? A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE? A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.
Q: Why was the washing machine laughing? A: Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.
Q: What will Postman Pat be called when he retires? A: Pat
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: How do you make a dog drink? A: Put it in a liquidizer.
Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair? A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.
Q: What's got four legs and an arm? A: A rottweiler.
Q: What do you call bears with no ears? A: B.
Q: What's got two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog..
Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes? A: Buy her some flowers.
Q: What is the definition of confusion? A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
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--Dave--
Banned
Registered: 17th Feb 04
Location: Essssseeeeex Drives: Black Supra TT
User status: Offline
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possibly the worst joke i know...
bloke walked into a bar with some tarmac under his arm, he says to the barman
"A pint for me, and one for the road"
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CorsaLad16v
Member
Registered: 5th Mar 03
Location: Sheffield UK Drives: VW Golf
User status: Offline
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Q.whats brown n sticky?
A.a stick
Q. whats big, white and can hurt you if it fell out of a tree?
A. a fridge
Q. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A. A carrot.
Q. What's big, grey, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A. A castle.
Q. What's green and dangerous and falls down from trees?
A. A snooker table.
Q. What's pink and fluffy?
A. Pink fluff.
Q. What's Mary short for?
A. 'Cos she's got little legs.
Q. What do you give a man who's got everything?
A. Penicillin.
Q. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A. His wife died.
Q. What goes in, out, in, out, and stinks of piss?
A. The Queen Mum doing the Hokey-Cokey.
Q. What's hard and straight going in, soft and sticky coming out?
A. Chewing gum.
Q. What's pink and hard in the morning?
A. A penis.
Q. Why don't they teach driving lessons and sex education on the same
day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q. What's the difference between Delia Smith and a rural jog?
A. One's a pant in the country and...
Q. How do you know when you're too fat?
A. When you are lying on the beach and a group of Greenpeace activists
throw water over you whilst trying to push you back into the ocean.
Q. What have the gas board and pelicans got in common?
A. They can both stick their bills up their arse.
Two cats swam across the English Channel in a race. The first was
called One Two Three Cat, the second Un Deux Trois Cat. Which one won?
One Two Three Cat, because Un Deux Trois Cat sank.
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A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering five boxes of tampax for
a pound. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager,
"is this the right price?"
"Yes madam, 5 boxes for one pound, no strings attatched."
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Bloke goes into a chemist, and says, "A comb please."
"Steel one?"
"No, I've got the money thank you."
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Two tramps are walking past a church and they start to read the grave
stones. "Bloody Hell," one says, "this bloke was 182!"
"Oh yeah?" says the other, "What was his name?"
"Miles, from London," replies the second tramp.
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Two men are approaching each other as the walk down the street. Both
are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks
at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet
back."
[Edited on 31-03-2004 by CorsaLad16v]
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--Dave--
Banned
Registered: 17th Feb 04
Location: Essssseeeeex Drives: Black Supra TT
User status: Offline
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whats big and white?
A yeti
What big and white with pockets?
A yeti with a coat....
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michelle
Member
Registered: 15th Oct 03
Location: Kirkintilloch, Glasgow
User status: Offline
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What's blue and smells of yellow paint?
Blue Paint
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ONeil
Member
Registered: 12th Feb 03
Location: Telford
User status: Offline
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Why did the Jelly Baby go to school?
Because he wanted to be a Smartie...
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--Dave--
Banned
Registered: 17th Feb 04
Location: Essssseeeeex Drives: Black Supra TT
User status: Offline
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what goes black, white BUMP, black, white BUMP.
A penguin falling down the stairs.
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michelle
Member
Registered: 15th Oct 03
Location: Kirkintilloch, Glasgow
User status: Offline
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Did you hear about the guy that got caught shoplifting?
He was found dead under Asda
What you call a guy with meat on his head?
Ham eed
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--Dave--
Banned
Registered: 17th Feb 04
Location: Essssseeeeex Drives: Black Supra TT
User status: Offline
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lmao. WTF is that ASDA one all about? I don't get it!!!
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michelle
Member
Registered: 15th Oct 03
Location: Kirkintilloch, Glasgow
User status: Offline
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Shop Lifting, he tried to lift Asda. doh.
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michelle
Member
Registered: 15th Oct 03
Location: Kirkintilloch, Glasgow
User status: Offline
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wot do you call a woamn on top of a house?
roof (ruth)
Wot you call a woman in between 2 buildings?
Elaine
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--Dave--
Banned
Registered: 17th Feb 04
Location: Essssseeeeex Drives: Black Supra TT
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by michelle
Shop Lifting, he tried to lift Asda. doh.
 i see... so sheet i didn't even understand it. Then again maybe its cos i'm ready to leave work.
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