Mad Moe
Member
Registered: 14th Jun 01
Location: Northumberland
User status: Offline
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the plains of the Wild West when all of a sudden, Tonto got off his horse and put his ear to the ground.
"Buffalo come" said Tonto.
Looking all round the horizon the Lone Ranger couldn't see a darn thing.
"But how can you tell? " said the Lone Ranger.......
"Sticky face."
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Two big German Shepherd dogs sitting in the waiting room at the vets.
The first one says to the other "what you in for?"
The second one says "I bit the little girl next door, so I'm in to be put down - what you in for?"
The first one says "well, see my mistress here (indicating his owner, a gorgeous leggy blonde wearing a mini-skirt), she's been living on here own since her divorce, and I wandered into the bathroom,she was stark naked on her hands and knees in front of me trying to get her hairbrush out from behind the loo where she'd dropped it, and I just couldn't help myself.... you know how it is..."
The second one says "so your'e in to be put down as well?"
"Oh no" comes the reply "I'm in to have my nails clipped"
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A dangerous criminal escapes from Strangeways where he's spent the last 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for clothes and money and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the bloke out of bed at knifepoint and ties him to a chair. While tying up the bloke's missus, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the bloke whispers to his wife ; "Listen, I think he's escaped from a prison, look at his clothes. He's probably spent along time inside and won't have had a woman in donkey's years. I saw how he kissed your neck; If he wants to shag you, don't resist, don't complain and do whatever he tells you to do. Satisfy him no matter how much it makes you sick, he's probably very, very dangerous and if you make him angry he'll kill the both of us. I want you to be strong and no matter what he does to you, I love you."
By this time the girl was looking a bit puzzled. "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you looked cute and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too...."
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An Australian, an Irishman and a Liverpudlian are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. " Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Liverpudlian who says, "Fuck off, mate, I'm on disability benefits."
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