starkmotorsport
Member
Registered: 27th Apr 02
Location: Scotland
User status: Offline
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An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.
The first man replied: "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir," he asked the second man.
"Hmm... let me see... A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.
"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea" he said.
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." he said. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I shiiiit my pants!"
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starkmotorsport
Member
Registered: 27th Apr 02
Location: Scotland
User status: Offline
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A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my Mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. Now get on your knees." She did.
"Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out ..." She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer...and while holding it close to her lips tentatively said...
"Hello, Mom can you hear me?" 
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starkmotorsport
Member
Registered: 27th Apr 02
Location: Scotland
User status: Offline
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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
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Icy
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Registered: 31st Jan 01
Location: Edinburgh Drives: Mk3 Golf Gti
User status: Offline
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^
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Adam-D
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Registered: 11th May 02
Location: Cheshire
User status: Offline
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pmsl
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Skinner
Member
Registered: 14th Jul 03
Location: aberdeen drives:mk4 irmscher astra on 18's
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