turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of mother supperior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project there comes a knock at the door. "Who's here?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man" replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room , they open the door.
"Nice tits, " says the man, "where do you want these blinds?
[Edited on 27-08-2004 by turbodreams]
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Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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 Quality
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," says the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
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Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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ROFLMAO
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side.
These are our rules:
Please note... these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!
1.Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to
change that.
1.Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.
1.Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
1.Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
1.Crying is blackmail.
1.Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1.Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1.Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1.A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1.Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1.If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1.If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1.You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both._ If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1.Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1.Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1.ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1.If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1.If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1.If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer
you don’t want to hear.
1.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1.Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
1.You have enough clothes.
1.You have too many shoes.
1.I am in shape. Round is a shape.
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corsa5dr
Member
Registered: 12th Jan 03
Location: Bath/Bristol - Evo 4 GSR
User status: Offline
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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anyone else got any good jokes
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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THE LITTLE GIRL AND THE COP
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary stopped beside him on her new shiny bike.
"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a £20 ticket for a safety violation, saying "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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A duck walks into a bar and ask's the barman you got any bread? the barman say's no i dont... the duck ask's again "you got any bread? the barman say's NO i dont!!! ...so the duck walks up again and ask's you got any bread? the barman say's "LOOK YOU LITTLE PRICK IF YOU ASK ME THAT ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR FUCKIN BEAK TO THE BAR" the duck ask's him "you got any nail's" no says the barman....... then the duck says ok then YOU GOT ANY BREAD??????????????????
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waynep
Member
Registered: 20th Apr 02
Location: london
User status: Offline
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more more more
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by corsa-crazy
more more more
 Are You Being Sarcastic
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany.
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy"
Padddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
"Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement.
He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked!" He swore out aloud to himself.
He could recognise his house just a few doors down, and so crawled to the door where he shimmied up the door frame, opened the door and shimmied inside. He took one look up the stairs and says; "No fockin' way!"
He crawled up the stairs to his bedroom door where he says aloud, "I can make it to the bed!"
He takes one step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy replies, "I did Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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A father asked his ten year old son if he knew about the birds
and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said bursting into tears.
"Promise you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh Dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the there's no
Santa speech. At seven, I got the there's no Easter Bunny
speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the there's no Tooth
Fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck,
I'll have nothing left to live for!"
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Nobby
Member
Registered: 14th May 00
Location: 17 Boring road, Dullsville, Snorefolk
User status: Offline
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waynep
Member
Registered: 20th Apr 02
Location: london
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by turbodreams
quote:
Originally posted by corsa-crazy
more more more
Are You Being Sarcastic
wasnt actually mate
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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Girl Signing
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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Who is Dating Who?????
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