broster
Premium Member
Registered: 6th Dec 02
Location: Drives: E39
User status: Offline
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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else ! is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SC! RAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Batt! le of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the obj! ect we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in
foresight.
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Adam-D
Member
Registered: 11th May 02
Location: Cheshire
User status: Offline
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corsa120
Member
Registered: 4th May 02
Location: Northamptonshire
User status: Offline
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random lol
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a_j_mair
Member
Registered: 23rd Jan 04
Location: Scotland
User status: Offline
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brilliant!
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RobHayes
Member
Registered: 6th Sep 03
Location: Lincolnshire
User status: Offline
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DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
i have loads of these, also called FCUK OFF tools
[Edited on 24-01-2007 by mav]
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Adam-D
Member
Registered: 11th May 02
Location: Cheshire
User status: Offline
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me to normally a 7lb hammer
or
the most destructive i havent used it yet,
+
al thou i did set fire to my grandad's garage door trying to burn off the excess fuel from a old fuel filter
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Tom N
Member
Registered: 4th Jun 03
Location: Bradford/Sheff (Uni) Drives: Golf GTI
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by broster
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
This is soo true
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All Torque
Member
Registered: 17th Nov 05
Location: Milton Keynes Drives: Ford Focus TDCi
User status: Offline
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SVM 286
Member
Registered: 13th Feb 05
Location: pain
User status: Offline
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I see you are making good use of the newly bizarre search facility Peter. 
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All Torque
Member
Registered: 17th Nov 05
Location: Milton Keynes Drives: Ford Focus TDCi
User status: Offline
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 @ Jim for his failed childish nit picking.
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Graeme
Premium Member
Registered: 26th Jul 04
Location: Northampton
User status: Offline
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more like,
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Great for making Oxyacetylene bombs! Make a really loud bang and scare u shit less, but make sure u do them when the boss is out! 
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Shrek
Member
Registered: 2nd Nov 06
Location: Berkshire
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Graeme
more like,
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Great for making Oxyacetylene bombs! Make a really loud bang and scare u shit less, but make sure u do them when the boss is out!
how dangerous!! but damn fun make you go def for hours!!
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Sidesport
Member
Registered: 25th Nov 03
Location: Bath
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by broster
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
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Graeme
Premium Member
Registered: 26th Jul 04
Location: Northampton
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Shrek
quote:
Originally posted by Graeme
more like,
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Great for making Oxyacetylene bombs! Make a really loud bang and scare u shit less, but make sure u do them when the boss is out!
how dangerous!! but damn fun make you go def for hours!!
very, especially when u put things in teh cups, just hide behind a wall or something!
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