DannyB
Premium Member
Registered: 6th Feb 08
User status: Offline
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Make me rofl, is it just me? Probably...
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a
bridge?
She wasclinically depressed and took her own life because ofher terribly low self-esteem.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.' The otherman replies: 'Yes, she
has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind abush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders
off.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt
to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated
rainforest.
What do you call a guy who has sex with kids?
A child molester
What do you call it when someone wipes out an entire race of people?
Genocide
A man walks into a bar
Now he needs stitches on his forehead because he was walking pretty fast
hat do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Their names, if you know them. If not just say "excuse me"
why cant stevie wonder and ray charles read?
because they are blind
why do jews have big noses?
because it is genetic
whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?
a jew is a person of religious faith whereas a pizza is a semi high protein food with lots of fat
Why was the little girl screaming?
Because she was getting raped by a paedophile.
What do you get when you cross a muffin with chocolate chips?
A chocolate chip muffin.
What did the little boy with no arms or legs get for xmas?
Cancer.
Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains!
Thats the least of your problems. You've got AIDS.
What did batman say to robin to get him in the batmobile?
"Get in the batmobile"
Knock Knock
Come in.
Q. Whats worse than being a Jew in 2006?
A. Being a Jew in 1942.
Yo mama is so fat she has to wear large clothes.
What do you call, when a baby has forks in it's eyes?
911.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It shouldn't take more than one person to do this task, regardless of hair color.
What's the difference between George W Bush and a doorknob?
George W Bush is the president of the United States. A doorknob is a mechanical device that securely closes a hinged door, thereby keeping your family safe from danger.
How do you get 500 midgets into a Volkswagon?
You have to manufacture a Volkswagon large enough to accomidate 500 midgets. It wouldn't be street-legal, but at least the problem of getting 500 midgets into a Volkswagon is solved.
Yo Mama's so fat, that she was instructed by the doctor to go on a low carbohydrate, high protein diet to reduce the risk of heart disease or even a heart attack later in life.
Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
It wasn't on purpose. Through the course of natural friction, his keys wore through the innards of the pockets. Being bald, on top of this, is inconsequential.
My father used to say that not playing to win is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she's a great piece of tail, with a blouse full of goodies, but... it's just illegal. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the banjo... eat apple sauce through a straw... pork farm animals.
Why did the black man die?
Because he was the victim of a race-hate gang related attack.
What do you get when you cross a chinese man with a white woman?
Yellow babies.
Why was Mary upset?
She was involed in a severe car accident which resulted in the loss of both her legs and 3 fingers from her right hand. Her mum was also killed.
Why does Brian Peppers molest children?
Because he can.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the 2nd chicken cross the road?
Same reason as the first one did.
Why did the 3rd chicken cross the road?
It was following the other two.
What did the mother give her child for his christmas?
A flower on his tombstone because his cancer was in partial remission, but later came back and slowly killed him.
Why did the girlscout start crying after she spilled all her cookies?
Because her father beats her mother and calls her a whore every night in a drunken rage.
Yo Mama's so fat, that she was instructed by the doctor to go on a low carbohydrate, high protein diet to reduce the risk of heart disease or even a heart attack later in life.
Why did a doctor prescribe a low carb diet to reduce a patient's risk of heart disease?
Because he didn't look at the Mayo Clinic's results stating that trans fats or large amounts of saturated fat are what mainly cause heart disease/heart attacks due to clogged arteries.
3 guys go to hip hop club and notice they cant dance or keep with the rythm much. What race were these outsiders?
The race is really insignificant. The fact that they went to a hip hop club without being able to move with rythm was really the sad part. Not to mention the fact that they were jumped and robbed afterwards.
Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but metal?
He died last week.
Did you hear about the man who murdered his family an dissected his friends?
Yes.
Did you hear about the polish guy that was late on the first day for his new job?
He had forgotten to set his alarm the previous night, therefore had woken up 3 hours late in the morning, which resulted in him being fired from his new job, and needing to find another one quickly in order to buy food for his wife and kids.
What do you do when a black guy robs your house?
Contact the police, describe to the best of your knowledge the events that took place, and then let them do their job.
What did one fisherman say to another fisherman?
He told him that the weather did not look very good, and recommended that they both wait until the next day to fish.
What did the little boy with cancer say right before he died?
Nothing. He was very sick, and could not speak during the last few weeks of his life.
What's worse than finding out you are going to die from an uncurable disease?
Discovering that it is contagious and anyone you have come in contact with, including family, friends, coworkers, etc. have probably got it too, and will also most likely die from it.
what do you call a diamond submersed in water?
wet
How do you stop a clown from smiling?
Hit it with an axe.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One holds groceries, the other molests children.
What happened to the elderly old man who liked to play tricks on children?
He was stoned to death
I was walking down the street the other day when this bum comes up to me and says he hasn't had a bite in three days.
So I stabbed him.
Why did the clown fall off the swing?
Someone shot him in the face
johnny comes back from school crying and says,
- "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies,
- "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
Two men are walking down the street...
I forget the punch-line, but your mother's a whore.
What did the bartender say when a priest, a boyscout, and a blonde walked in?
Is this some kind of joke?
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Wheres my tractor
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.
Whats worse than finding a fly in your soup?
The holocaust.
Why did the blonde jump off a bridge?
Because she was clinically depressed and wanted to end her life
What did the blueberry say to the blueberry?
You're a blueberry
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic sack?
Michael Jackson is dead.
Why'd the chicken cross the road?
It was being driven to a meat processing plant.
Two guys walk into a bar. One of them hooks up with a local whore while drunk and winds up with HIV.
How do you kill a blonde?
Shoot her with a gun.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is cold.
What's black and white and red all over?
The flag of Yemen.
a horse walks into a bar
the bartender promptly calls Animal Control because he has no experience handling horses.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, because gender stereotypes based on hair color are totally unfair and sexist
Two guys walk into a bar.
A gay bar, gay bar, gay bar.
Knock knock.
Who's There?
The police. You're a wanted assailant in two states and we've finally come to apprehend you. You have the right to remain silent, and if you do not open this door we will remove it.
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to screw it in and the other to write a racist joke about it.
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Twiggy
Member
Registered: 15th Oct 04
User status: Offline
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WTF?
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Jamie-C
Member
Registered: 3rd Jun 08
Location: Ballycastle
User status: Offline
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Not one of them jokes are funny 
I don't get it?
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DannyB
Premium Member
Registered: 6th Feb 08
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Jamie-C
Not one of them jokes are funny
The clue is in the thread title 
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MarkSport
Member
Registered: 22nd May 09
User status: Offline
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some of them are actually funnier than jokes WITH a punchline....good call danny
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Jamie-C
Member
Registered: 3rd Jun 08
Location: Ballycastle
User status: Offline
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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Wheres my tractor
I actually laughed at that one tbh
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Cavey
Member
Registered: 11th Nov 02
Location: Derby
User status: Offline
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Two guys walk into a bar. One of them hooks up with a local whore while drunk and winds up with HIV.
that made me laugh for some reason
johnny comes back from school crying and says,
- "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies,
- "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
and that one
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Cosmo
Member
Registered: 29th Mar 01
Location: Im the real one!
User status: Offline
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Odd one is funny, rest are the sort of thing that I'd see posted on here under the thread title of 'joke' 
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Havoc
Banned
Registered: 9th Aug 10
User status: Offline
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j10E W
Member
Registered: 30th Sep 04
Location: maidstone
User status: Offline
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More facts than jokes tbh
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DannyB
Premium Member
Registered: 6th Feb 08
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by j10E W
More facts than jokes tbh
anti - jokes
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Havoc
Banned
Registered: 9th Aug 10
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by DannyB
quote:
Originally posted by j10E W
More facts than jokes tbh
anti - jokes
= shit, unfunny statements!
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DannyB
Premium Member
Registered: 6th Feb 08
User status: Offline
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They're not statements you big thunderous cunt, are you retarded?
Here, I'll even post the link so you can read the meaning of an anti-joke, shall I tell you how to click the link aswell?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-humor
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Havoc
Banned
Registered: 9th Aug 10
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by DannyB
They're not statements you big thunderous cunt, are you retarded?
Here, I'll even post the link so you can read the meaning of an anti-joke, shall I tell you how to click the link aswell?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-humor
shall i tell you how to jump off the forth road bridge?
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DannyB
Premium Member
Registered: 6th Feb 08
User status: Offline
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No, that's easier than clicking a link.
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Havoc
Banned
Registered: 9th Aug 10
User status: Offline
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anti jokes are shit, i do get them but they are shit. give me a good old fashioned funny joke so i can laugh my titties off. you horrid cunt.
[Edited on 19-09-2010 by Havoc]
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DannyB
Premium Member
Registered: 6th Feb 08
User status: Offline
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I like the word cunt more than anything else if I'm honest, it fits in all types of sentences. Anti- humor can be brilliant if worded correct, some anti jokes above were poor but some made me laugh, it was just easier to copy and paste the lot rather than editing the shit ones.
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Havoc
Banned
Registered: 9th Aug 10
User status: Offline
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DannyB you cunt, them cunting anti jokes were CUNTINGLY shit.
any good?
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DannyB
Premium Member
Registered: 6th Feb 08
User status: Offline
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Yes, you absolute gang of cunts fuck you all.
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Havoc
Banned
Registered: 9th Aug 10
User status: Offline
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lol at cunt being able to be used properly now.
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DannyB
Premium Member
Registered: 6th Feb 08
User status: Offline
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Ian must have got bored of people getting round the swear filter
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Ingham
Banned
Registered: 9th May 08
Location: Burnley, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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I find these quite funny
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Shell
Premium Member
Registered: 14th Oct 08
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by DannyB
They're not statements you big thunderous cunt
I actually choked laughing so hard at that.
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MJFF88
Member
Registered: 30th Apr 08
User status: Offline
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I love the little anti-rhymes/poems aswell, they make me . Couple posted on here a few months back...
there was a young man from Dundee
who was stung on the leg by a wasp
when asked if it hurt
he replied not a lot
and it can do it again if it likes
Roses are red, violets are blue, some poems rhyme but this one doesn't!
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DannyB
Premium Member
Registered: 6th Feb 08
User status: Offline
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Roses are red, violets are blue, get in the van...I've got a knife.
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