orange_juice
Member
Registered: 11th Feb 04
Location: Norwich Norfolk, Drives a Mondeo ST24
User status: Offline
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Title: The magic of Peter Kay (part 1)
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you
get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the
way down to
the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your
arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first
thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through
mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I
think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes
out'?
12. What do people in China call their good plates?
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom
is?
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Why is a person that handles your money called a
'Broker'?
16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are
over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell
you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet
Soup?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad
at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his
head out of
the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub
is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete
stranger.
4) You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green
crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits
55378008 into
a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really
manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or
not to have a
fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a
bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your
school.
17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is
to call
your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would
kill you at
the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee,
flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel
when you've got
your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who
has had
their arm broken by a swan.
30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and
stepping on
an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin
piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not
putting it
in a fruit salad
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bun
Member
Registered: 6th Oct 03
Location: Adel, West Yorkshire
User status: Offline
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Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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Peter Kay said none of those things 
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Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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Jase ur avatar is wonkie
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Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by P4UL
Jase ur avatar is wonkie
Wonkey Donkey
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Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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U get my text wenever I sent it bout saturday night take away
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Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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Probably but I was pished and fell down 
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Robbo
Member
Registered: 6th Aug 02
Location: London
User status: Offline
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PMSL
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Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by J 11ESY
Probably but I was pished and fell down
good lad
Well there is a new series starting soon
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Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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well funny
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transca
Member
Registered: 28th Dec 00
Location: rotherham
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by J 11ESY
Peter Kay said none of those things
maybe you should watch the live dvd's again then
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