Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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>> > I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her
>>up to
>> > arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
>>
>> >
>> > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
>>fire in
>> > the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
>>your
>> > kayak
>> >
>> > and heat it.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go
>>out the
>> > night before and shoot the fox.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang
>>her up, I
>> > said "Did you get my drift?".
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
>>complaint,
>> > this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled
>>onions".
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying
>>to pull a
>> > fast one".
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
>> > "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the
>>splits?". He
>> > said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying
>>to pack
>> > myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,
>>it was
>> > Wedgie Kray.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me
>>with a
>>red
>> > rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter,
>>I asked
>> > for a-ROMATIC duck".
>> >
>> > But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
>> > competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one
>>jar.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk
>>about your
>> > carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
>>catholic
>> > converter.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a
>>nuisance
>>caller",
>> > he said "Not you again".
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess
>>champion) and
>> > there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me
>>the salt.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that
>>as a
>> > condiment".
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for
>>example Goran,
>> > even he's a witch.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,
>>he's
>> > bisatchel.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
>>barcode. I
>> > said "Are you two an item?".
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of
>>terrapins, I
>> > thought "That's a turtle disaster".
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We
>>don't want
>> > your type in here"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you,
>>but don't
>> > start anything"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says,
>>"Is this
>> > some kind of joke?"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't
>>serve food
>>in
>> > here"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Dyslexic man walks into a bra
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > A seal walks into a club...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and
>>says:
>>"Pint
>> > please, and one for the road."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
>>slides up to
>> > the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my
>>paw."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
>>standing in
>>the
>> > lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
>>an hour,
>> > the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
>>"But why?"
>> > they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand
>>chess
>> > nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent
>>in ten
>> > different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
>>win.
>> > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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mr_astra
Member
Registered: 3rd Jul 03
Location: There Is No Spoon
User status: Offline
|
OMG who wrote these 
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Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
|
>> > So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
>>complaint,
>> > this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled
>>onions".
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying
>>to pull a
>> > fast one".
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
>> > "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the
>>splits?". He
>> > said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
>> > So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me
>>with a
>>red
>> > rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter,
>>I asked
>> > for a-ROMATIC duck".
>> > So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess
>>champion) and
>> > there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me
>>the salt.
>> > Dyslexic man walks into a bra
Best ones IMO
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mr_astra
Member
Registered: 3rd Jul 03
Location: There Is No Spoon
User status: Offline
|
better
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mjw_2k2
Member
Registered: 18th Sep 03
Location: Anglesey, North Wales
User status: Offline
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SteveW
Member
Registered: 15th Jul 02
Location: Up in the clouds
User status: Offline
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not too bad Mr. Paul 
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Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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Mr Snowy!
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Ryan L
Member
Registered: 4th Mar 03
Location: Essex
User status: Offline
|
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess
>>champion) and
>> > there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me
>>the salt.
thats my fav
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