ross23
Member
Registered: 17th Mar 04
Location: York
User status: Offline
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How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard
night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard
as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the
pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer
Scooter.
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and
leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has
acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in
the following fashion:-
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the
"slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of
his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer
Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their
bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a
large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This
answers the second questions after a night out, 'How did I spend so
much money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are
thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified
Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your
head.
An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of
time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional
Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.
This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell
happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of
Embarrassing Moments In Time) add-on, that automatically removes,
in descending order, those parts in time regretted most.
Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of
another's and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of
time. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause
the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers
to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers
picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent
Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly
you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.
Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the
house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains
the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters
the TA (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person
can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to
comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing
just a T-shirt
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