jr
Member
Registered: 20th May 02
Location: Kent
User status: Offline
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Thinking of taking up this trendy new thing they call football supporting, but not sure what team to pick? Perhaps you're a politician with votes to win, or an ex-rugby union fan whose buttocks have lost the pertness necessary to expose them regularly in pubs.
Whatever the reason, Football365 is here to help. Cast an eye over our handy checklist. If you answer 'Now THAT'S my kind of BRAND' to five of the ten questions, read on for our cheat sheet, and off you go...
The Checklist
1) Are you looking for a club that will make you as hated as your gigantic 4x4 and the Australian bush coat and hat you wear for shopping expeditions?
2) Do you like the idea of a club that has invested in the future with a fantastic, worldwide youth system - even if it's largely the youths of other clubs?
3) Do you want to be among a crowd that makes you feel welcome, as though you're at your spiritual home - Twickenham?
4) Are you partial to the idea of a team whose enormous sense of fair play means they feel they have no real need for a match referee, so prefer to do the job themselves?
5) Are you looking for a team whose players have interests outside the game, such as amateur video-making, Olympic-standard synchronised diving, and writing subtly satirical footballers' diaries?
6) Would you relish the fact that your club's every loss is accompanied by week-long sagas of blame, recrimination and bile, providing you with a constant supply of new pen-pals to write threatening letters to?
7) Are you delighted to have found somewhere you can pop along to for a jolly good show, a nice bit of corporate tuck and a couple of bottles of bubbly, all for less than the price of a weekend in Gstaad?
8) Do you prefer to hand over a small percentage of daddy's inheritance to a club that, despite a modicum of success, still retains links with their roots, through their mediaeval toilets and lovable band of rogues, the Headhunters?
9) Do you admire a team with the vision and foresight to appoint a chief executive whose universal popularity means his every public utterance is greeted with an enthusiasm and affection not seen since the days of Lord Haw-Haw?
10) Above all, are you proud to be a part of a team with such a vigorous expansionist policy that is actively looking for people to 'take on board' its 'brand values'?
Hello...The Phone-In Phrases
"Hello 606? Hi-i-i - first-time caller, long-time listener - great show guys, great show. Now listen, I've been a Chelsea fan for over a year and I really RESENT these bandwagon jumpers who ring up these days and start demanding Josie Marenghi's resignation as soon as we have a run of bad results like that 1-1 draw. I mean don't these guys know ANYTHING about soccer?"
"Hello, TalkSport? It's an absloodisGRACE what happened today and how can they think that a DRAW is good enough against ManYoo, I mean something HAS to CHANGE and it's about time Abramovich put his hand in his pocket and started buying a couple of decent PLAYERS, you know?"
"Hi, 606? I wasn't at the game, nor was I watching on TV or listening on the radio, but I have to say that I've been listening to the other callers while I've been filleting a trout for supper and I completely agree that the referee was an absolute joke, yah?"
Get The Accent
The simplest way to get the authentic Chelsea supporter accent is to sign up for elocution classes, enrol yourself in a good public school, then polish up your vowel-sounds by discussing French property prices over a few bottles of Chateau Pétrus at Gordon Ramsay's 'gaff'.
You Are The Pundit
It may not be pretty or win many friends, but you have to say it's effective.
Club History
The football club was formed 1883 in the little village of Chelsea, to the west of London, by a splinter group of gentlemen amateurs who felt that the Corinthian Casuals were becoming worryingly success-orientated. The club has retained the village's name and club philosophy to this day.
How To Fit In With A Single Sentence
Yes! Wooh! In! Your! Face, Manchestershire! Swi-hing lo-o-w, swe-e-eet cha-ri-o-hert...oh COME on, heeaaaave, chaps! Heeeeaaaave!
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