Kathryn W
Member
Registered: 12th Oct 03
Location: Widnes, Cheshire
User status: Offline
|
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway it's been flickering for weeks now?"
He looks at her and say angrily, "Fix the light now? Does it look like I have an Electricians logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door, it won't close right?"
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
"Fine" she says. "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door, they're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps. Does it look like I have Woodies DIY written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey" he asks. "How'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied:
"HELLOOOOOOOOO...... DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!!!"
|
andy1868
Member
Registered: 22nd Jun 06
Location: Burscough, Lancashire
User status: Offline
|
its funny, because she must have slag written on her forehead
|
Kathryn W
Member
Registered: 12th Oct 03
Location: Widnes, Cheshire
User status: Offline
|
Another
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "happy birthday" and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone happy birthday. I thought.... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word, so when I left for the office I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondant.
As I walked into my office my secretary Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing i've heard all day, let's go."
We went to lunch but we didn't go where we normally do, we dined instead in a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go back to the office do we?" I responded, "I guess not, what do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go back to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind i'm going into my bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "Okay." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes she came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my wife, kids and dozens of my friends and co-workers all singing happy birthday.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked...
|
dazavich
Member
Registered: 27th Sep 06
Location: Greenock, Inverclyde
User status: Offline
|
 @ The second one
|
andy1868
Member
Registered: 22nd Jun 06
Location: Burscough, Lancashire
User status: Offline
|
second one is story of my life 
|
dazavich
Member
Registered: 27th Sep 06
Location: Greenock, Inverclyde
User status: Offline
|
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he
can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one
of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says
'Fucking hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate
whipped me?
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
|
Shane
Member
Registered: 10th Jan 04
User status: Offline
|
PMSL
|
Butler
Member
Registered: 2nd Jun 05
Location: London
User status: Offline
|
|
Nick-S
Member
Registered: 3rd Mar 04
Location: Leigh. Drives: RS Megane 230 F1 Team R26
User status: Offline
|
at all 3
|
BluKoo
Member
Registered: 8th Apr 02
Location: Stonehaven (Scotland)
User status: Offline
|
2nd and 3rd were the best!
|
Robbo
Member
Registered: 6th Aug 02
Location: London
User status: Offline
|
|
will_ainsworth
Member
Registered: 8th Jun 07
Location: London, UK
User status: Offline
|
What is the worst thing about being a penis?
You only have one eye, you live next to 2 nuts, your nearest neighbour is an asshole and your best friend is a c*£nt!
|
dazavich
Member
Registered: 27th Sep 06
Location: Greenock, Inverclyde
User status: Offline
|
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?
Everybody won.
|
