cougaruk
Member
Registered: 6th Sep 05
Location: Wickford Essex
User status: Offline
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> This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an
> angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but
> brilliantly written.
>
>
> Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
>
> Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin
> police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea
> and try emailing you instead.
>
> Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to you
> colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon, or Ouija
> board.
>
> As I am writing this email there are eleven failed medical experiments
> (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent which is just off
> St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
>
> Six of them seem to be happy enough to play a game which involves
> kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.
> This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings through the entire
> building.
>
> This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
> system works, I have no idea if it will end anytime soon.
>
> The remaining five failed abortions are happily rummaging through
> several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
> thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw
> and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills
>
> I fear it is only a matter of time before they turn their limited
> attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on it's side between
> the two bins.
>
> If they could be relied upon to only blow their arms and legs off then I
> would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them
> the matches.
>
> Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with
> them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
>
> What I suggest is this - after replying to this email with worthless
> assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,
> why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably their bath
> night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a
> Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This
> will, of course, serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen
> actually look like.
>
> I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
> throwbacks you'll do me the courtesy of giving me a four month head
> start before coming to arrest me.
>
> I remain your obedient servant
>
> ??????
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------
>
> Mr ??????,
>
> I have read your email and understand the frustration at the problems
> caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have
> encountered in trying to contact the police .
>
> As the Community Beat Officer for your street, I would like to extend an
> offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
>
> Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
> (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
>
> Regards
>
> PC ???????
>
> Community Beat Officer
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------
>
> Dear PC ??????
>
> First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
> original email
>
> 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police
> Station, and rest assured that i will forward these details to Norris
> McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness Book of Records.
>
> Secondly, I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own Community
> Beat Officer.
>
> May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the
> five or so years I have lived in St. Mary's Crescent I have never seen
> you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and
> infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and moustache
> on his forehead or the one with the chin like a wash hand basin? It's
> surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look
> for Osama.
>
> Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place
> in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without
> due care and attention, is it too much to ask a policeman to explain
> (using words of no more than two syllables at a time)to these twats that
> they might want to play their strange of football elsewhere.
>
> The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within
> spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the
> preferred option especially if the tide is in.
>
> Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
> contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
> answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle pub.
>
> P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
> don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact!!!
>
>
>
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will_doyle
Banned
Registered: 25th Nov 08
Location: Exeter
User status: Offline
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hahaha
Brilliant
Where did you find it?
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MJFF88
Member
Registered: 30th Apr 08
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by will_doyle
hahaha
Brilliant
Where did you find it?
The internet
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Whittie
Member
Registered: 11th Aug 06
Location: North Wales Drives: BMW, Corsa & Fiat
User status: Offline
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swill_omnibus
Member
Registered: 12th Dec 07
Location: : S. wales Drives: Dodge Caliber
User status: Offline
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Awesomness fairplay 
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LukeS
Member
Registered: 25th Nov 07
Location: Ormskirk
User status: Offline
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 Thats great.
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Colin
Member
Registered: 4th Apr 02
User status: Offline
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Thats as old as the internet itself.
Original one was based around Edinburgh though.
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_Allan_
Member
Registered: 24th Mar 04
User status: Offline
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Alex
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nathy_87
Member
Registered: 14th Aug 08
Location: West Mids. Drives: Škoda Fabia VRS 5J
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by MJFF88
quote:
Originally posted by will_doyle
hahaha
Brilliant
Where did you find it?
The internet
Doylowned.
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MarkSport
Member
Registered: 22nd May 09
User status: Offline
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Thats shit hot,Love it...
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sc0ott
Member
Registered: 16th Feb 09
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Colin
Thats as old as the internet itself.
Original one was based around Edinburgh though.
yep. i seen the edinburgh one a while ago and is much funnier than that one
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TheCrow
Member
Registered: 26th Apr 05
Location: Lincoln, UK
User status: Offline
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This one is good also....
COMPLAINT LETTER TO NTL
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
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SVM 286
Member
Registered: 13th Feb 05
Location: pain
User status: Offline
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Now THAT'S, a proper complaint. 
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P1CK4D
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 06
Location: Around Essex Somewhere
User status: Offline
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These letters of complaints are great!
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