Fro
Member
Registered: 20th Jun 06
Location: Rainham, Essex Drives: A3 2.0TDi Sport
User status: Offline
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then."
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
"Who's speaking please?"
And a voice said "You are."
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house."
He said "I'm not stopping you."
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said "You've been promoted."
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again."
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director."
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?"
And I said "I careered off the road."
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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought "This is unusual".
And the dentist said to me, "Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure - you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time."
The man replied, "I know I've been ill."
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A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places."
The doctor said, "well don't go to those places."
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
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Phone answering machine message -
"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
---------------------------------I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue work ers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Demo
Member
Registered: 27th Sep 01
Location: south wales Drives: astra sri ecoflex
User status: Offline
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tommy cooper is my great aunties cousin. fact
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nathy_87
Member
Registered: 14th Aug 08
Location: West Mids. Drives: Škoda Fabia VRS 5J
User status: Offline
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Tommy Cooper is a legend. Watch him every Saturday Morning on ITV4. 
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chrisritch
Member
Registered: 2nd Sep 08
Location: Northants Drives: V40
User status: Offline
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Only laughed at the last one
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Tomnova16
Premium Member
Registered: 21st Jan 06
Location: Gerrards Cross Drives: Porsche 911
User status: Offline
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i imagined seeing him tell those jokes
awsomely epicnessness
http://www.lemass.co.uk/ for all your automotive/bodyshop needs
Located in Chalfont st Peter
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jonnysri
Member
Registered: 16th Jun 05
Location: Leeds (Ilkley)
User status: Offline
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true legend of british comedy
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Dave
Member
Registered: 26th Feb 01
Location: Lancs
User status: Offline
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I set off imagining Tommy Cooper saying them but part way through it changed to Tim Vine.
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Robbo
Member
Registered: 6th Aug 02
Location: London
User status: Offline
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Fkn legend  how many of those jokes do you still see on a regular basis!
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Nath
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: MK
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by CorsaDave
I set off imagining Tommy Cooper saying them but part way through it changed to Tim Vine.
 true as well
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spencer88
Member
Registered: 6th Oct 08
Location: cornwall
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Demo
tommy cooper is my great aunties cousin. fact
Was.
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stan_the_man
Member
Registered: 14th Feb 07
Location: Perth, Western Australia
User status: Offline
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Just pulled a muscle laughing at these!
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Robbo
Member
Registered: 6th Aug 02
Location: London
User status: Offline
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a mussel?
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MarkSport
Member
Registered: 22nd May 09
User status: Offline
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was just about to mention that tim vine uses every single on of them jokes 
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philrussell81
Member
Registered: 27th Dec 04
Location: Sheffield
User status: Offline
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how did tommy cooper die?
jusssh like that...
*il get my coat*
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_Allan_
Member
Registered: 24th Mar 04
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by philwestwood
how did tommy cooper die?
jusssh like this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWT7hOsj-7g
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C2RL R
Member
Registered: 28th Mar 02
Location: Redcliffe, QLD
User status: Offline
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I've heard about that vid many times but never seen it before. You'd think that the lass who helped him with the jacket would have known that wasn't part of his routine and tended to him. Unless that's not the real vid?
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Eck
Premium Member
Registered: 17th Apr 06
Location: Lundin Links, Fife
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Nath
quote:
Originally posted by CorsaDave
I set off imagining Tommy Cooper saying them but part way through it changed to Tim Vine.
true as well
How fucking weird that I did the same But it was after the first joke  It just sounded like something he'd say
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