OFcorsa
Member
Registered: 6th Jan 03
Location: Cheltenham, Gloucestershire
User status: Offline
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The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer
>complaint letter sent to NTL (from their complaints dept....)
>
>Dear Cretins,
>
>I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
>your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
>During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of
>service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as
>ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to
>provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your
>professional
>prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I
>suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you
>while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the
>bog in your office:
>
>My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting
>in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
>your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
>minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
>annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
>website....
>HOW?
>
>I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
>minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly
>adept.
>
>The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
>although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
>such
>as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had
>still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
>arrived...six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
>I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours
>between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.
>
>I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9
>calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully
>transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems
>also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
>
>I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and
>someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and
>someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who
>knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut
>off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to
>an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will
>be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
>Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
>
>Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
>thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
>those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
>care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
>in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
>therefore, if I continue.
>
>I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot
>of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could
>be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
>service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well,
>there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
>discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
>useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces
>of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order.
>
>British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
>of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly
>limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my
>futile
>and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest
>that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me
>for
>the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed
>to deliver- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity
>and disbelief -quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps
>bemused rage.
>
>I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
>itter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
>you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
>become
>desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
>posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
>not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
>
>Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's
>worthless employees.
>
>Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
>irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
>
>John
(I feel john is an alias for paul)
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Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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fpmsl   2 thumbs fresh
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Ty_Harris
Member
Registered: 29th Sep 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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very old 3 yrs ish, seen the original letter which came into ntl luton office 
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Robbo
Member
Registered: 6th Aug 02
Location: London
User status: Offline
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Q-uality 
[Edited on 21-11-2003 by RobboSRi]
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OFcorsa
Member
Registered: 6th Jan 03
Location: Cheltenham, Gloucestershire
User status: Offline
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Ty - old to you cos you have seen the original, but thats the first time i've seen it.
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Ty_Harris
Member
Registered: 29th Sep 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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serious, even wen i stopped working there people i know got it e-mailed this is going back sometime.. still priceless humour though.. reminded me of back in the day 
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OFcorsa
Member
Registered: 6th Jan 03
Location: Cheltenham, Gloucestershire
User status: Offline
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back in the day
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stuyw
Member
Registered: 15th May 02
Location: North West Drives: Rev3 MR2 Turbo
User status: Offline
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fooking classic letter that m8
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leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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I rang NTL over my broadband connection after being passed pillar tom post they said i have the that worm virius and hung up tossers funny letter though
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Ty_Harris
Member
Registered: 29th Sep 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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worm virus haha!! It's mostly the lying welsh ones in the broadband centre
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charcoalgrill
Member
Registered: 23rd Oct 02
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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this cracked me up- sounds like summit vibrio would say
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
>minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly
>adept.
[Edited on 21-11-2003 by charcoalgrill]
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NormSXi
Member
Registered: 26th Sep 03
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by OFcorsa
>I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
>itter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
>you and your pointless company.
That's one to remember
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groom
Member
Registered: 19th Apr 03
Location: In front of my pc
User status: Offline
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read it ages ago and canny b assed again lol
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Faye_2003
Member
Registered: 5th May 03
Location: the gutter :(
User status: Offline
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john doesn't like ntl does he?
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