Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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The Beer Scooter
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking
and thought 'How on earth did I get home?'As hard as you try, you cannot
piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer
to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a
mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunks by Bacchus the
Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical
devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a
Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of
the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second
question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be
responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the Destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates
that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third
question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order,
those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is
not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained
in discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to
the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models
including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain
specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots
are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the
stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.
Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the
house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the
bruised shins. The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some
scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one
person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt!
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Robbo
Member
Registered: 6th Aug 02
Location: London
User status: Offline
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FPMSL!!
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Natalie
Member
Registered: 5th Nov 03
Location: Oxfordshire Drives: Vauxhall Tigra 1.8
User status: Offline
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Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
|
Subject: DRUNKEN LADIES ..
> > > > > >Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home
> > >
> > > > > >got caught short. They were very near a graveyard and
> > >
> > > > > >one of them suggested they do their business behind a
> > >
> > > > > >head stone or something.
> > >
> > > > > >
> > >
> > > > > >One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
> > >
> > > > > >she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw
> > >
> > > > > >them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather
> > >
> > > > > >expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers
> > >
> > > > > >but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a
> > >
> > > > > >wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to
> > >
> > > > > >wipe herself with that.
> > >
> > > > > >
> > >
> > > > > >They then made off for home.
> > >
> > > > > >
> > >
> > > > > >The next day one woman's husband phoned the other
> > >
> > > > > >husband and said "We'd better keep an eye on our wives
> > >
> > > > > >you know, mine came home last night without her
> > >
> > > > > >panties."
> > >
> > > > > >
> > >
> > > > > >That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a
> > >
> > > > > >card stuck between her ass that said 'From all the
> > >
> > > > > >lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."
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Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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PMSL @ the secxond one thats rank man
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Shelly
Premium Member
Registered: 15th Nov 00
Location: Lancashire Drives: Astra H VXR
User status: Offline
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Drinking with you lot?! 
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Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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ok
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