Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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This top ones pretty poor 
>Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks.
>At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they
>get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon
>rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving
>nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.
>
>"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're
>saved!!"
>
>So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to
>within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.
>His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the
>dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
>With his last breath Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run,
>ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush
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Matt H
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Registered: 11th Sep 01
Location: South Yorkshire
User status: Offline
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Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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CorsaLad16v
Member
Registered: 5th Mar 03
Location: Sheffield UK Drives: VW Golf
User status: Offline
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one my grandad told us over the weekend:
young lad in school in a sex education lesson, teacher says "todays lesson is about penis's, anybody here want to tell the rest of the class what a penis is?" lil lad puts hus hand up, "yes Tom?" says the teacher "my dads got two" says Tom, the teacher looks at the lil boy with a confused look "don't be so silly, how can he have 2 penis's?" lil Tom looks around and says "he's got one this big *using hands to show a normal sized penis* and one this big *showing a larger sized penis* that he uses to clean the babysitters teeth"
its better when told rather than written tho  lol
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J4CKO
Member
Registered: 16th Feb 04
Location: Darlington
User status: Offline
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2 irish men sitting on the floor and one fell of !!!
wot do u call and indian life guard ?????
did-you-hand-your-band-in
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Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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CorsaLad16v
Member
Registered: 5th Mar 03
Location: Sheffield UK Drives: VW Golf
User status: Offline
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What is red and green and goes 100 miles an hour?
A frog in a blender
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Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a bar. The first pig orders 10 beers, downs them, and then asks for the bathroom. The second pig orders 15 beers, downs them, and asks for the bathroom. The third pig orders 20 beers, downs them, and then sits there eating peanuts.
"Aren't you going to ask for the bathroom?" asks the bartender.
"Nope. I'm the pig who goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."
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How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
Wave at him.
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A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a £250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realised the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for £250 they could've at least ironed it!"
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The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow
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Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am. My daddy told a
story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm,
and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and
all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival
knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy
hands, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty
enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out
of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke, and
then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your
daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking!"
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Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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TNM
Member
Registered: 5th Apr 04
Location: Nottingham Drives: VW Tiguan
User status: Offline
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Three men were in heaven discussing how they died.
The first man said, "I died of cancer."
The second man said, "I died of Tuberculosis."
The third man said, "I died of seenus."
The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?"
The third man said,
"No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"
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Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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TNM
Member
Registered: 5th Apr 04
Location: Nottingham Drives: VW Tiguan
User status: Offline
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A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Scottish."
The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Irish."
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Glasgow."
Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice, "Dublin."
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say, "Jimmy."
Replied the other, "Paddy."
A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."
Paddy responded, "Sagittarius."
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TNM
Member
Registered: 5th Apr 04
Location: Nottingham Drives: VW Tiguan
User status: Offline
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked; "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said: "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said;
"I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied;
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"
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