Neo
Member
Registered: 20th Feb 07
Location: Essex
User status: Offline
|
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bi*ch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bi*ch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you
know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a
son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BI*CH!!!"
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "£750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
Whats the difference between a mosquito and an essex girl
a mosquito stops sucking when you slap it
Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm, so they decide to go see a doctor to find out why. After a number of tests, the doctor Paddy's wife might be over heating during sex and recommends they buy a fan for the bedroom. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to his mate around to waft a towel on them during sex.
After about 20 minutes of wafting and still no orgasm, his friend suggests thy swap "I'll shag her, you waft the towel" he says.
Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy pats his mate on the back and says "....."And that, my old son, is how you waft a fucking towel!"
My mate was pleased today, when a girl he fancies told him he looked like Russel Brand...
dunno what he's so pleased about, obviously she thinks he looks like a cunt, too.
I wouldn't say the wife is fat but she fell down the stairs last night and I thought Eastenders was finishing!
David Beckham gets home early to find Posh naked, sweaty and flustered.
"David, i'm having a heart attack" she cries.
As Becks picks up the phone, Brooklyn runs in crying "Daddy, John Terry's in the wardrobe naked".
Becks drops the phone, throws open the wardrobe doors, and sure enough, there is the rat faced fecker.
Becks screams, "Are you some sort of cnut? Vicky's having a heart attack and all you can do is run round naked scaring the feckin' kids".
Paddy and his wife were sat on the sofa watching "The sex education show" on 4.
Whilst watching Paddy heard the TV explain where the clitoris was located.
"The clitoris is located at the top of the lips, you will see it as a pink nubbley bit..."
"Come on wife". Said Paddy. "I'm going to rock your world."
Paddy and the wife walked upstairs, and started having sex.
"Paddy....Paddy!....I can't fecking brethe!", said the wife.
"Yeah you like me playing with your clitorus don't you woman." Paddy said proudly.
"No I don't you fecking twat, and take your fecking cock out my nose!"
|
Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
|
PMFSL : "....."And that, my old son, is how you waft a fucking towel!"
|
Gary
Premium Member
Registered: 22nd Nov 06
Location: West Yorkshire
User status: Offline
|
I wouldn't say the wife is fat but she fell down the stairs last night and I thought Eastenders was finishing!
That made me chuckle 
|
Pip308
Member
Registered: 25th Oct 07
Location: Basingstoke Drives: Audi A4 Avant, Mk1 Caddy
User status: Offline
|
I lol'd
|
N3CRO
Member
Registered: 12th Apr 07
Location: Sandy, Bedfordshire
User status: Offline
|
|
Tomnova16
Premium Member
Registered: 21st Jan 06
Location: Gerrards Cross Drives: Porsche 911
User status: Offline
|
quote:
Originally posted by glb
I wouldn't say the wife is fat but she fell down the stairs last night and I thought Eastenders was finishing!
That made me chuckle
that is awesome
http://www.lemass.co.uk/ for all your automotive/bodyshop needs
Located in Chalfont st Peter
|
Daimo B
Member
Registered: 20th Mar 00
User status: Offline
|
some funny ones there
|
ashleh
Member
Registered: 23rd Dec 08
Location: Nottingham
User status: Offline
|
I shagged the missus last night but instead of a traditional condom I used a frog skin. I thought I'd rib it for her pleasure.
I went to Boots and said, "Can I have a bottle of shampoo please."
The woman said, "Extra volume?"
I shouted, "CAN I HAVE A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO PLEASE!"
My wife keeps complaining that I wear socks when we have sex.
I suppose a condom would be better.
|
JonnyJ
Member
Registered: 23rd Sep 05
Location: Scotchland
User status: Offline
|
quote:
Originally posted by Pablo
PMFSL : "....."And that, my old son, is how you waft a fucking towel!"
Got me too
|
Jules S
Premium Member
Registered: 24th Dec 03
User status: Offline
|
What do you call a girl with two cunts?
N-Dubz
|
MarkSport
Member
Registered: 22nd May 09
User status: Offline
|
ace thread
|
Joe
Member
Registered: 20th Jun 04
Location: Hesketh Bank, Lancashire
User status: Offline
|
quote:
Originally posted by JonnyJ
quote:
Originally posted by Pablo
PMFSL : "....."And that, my old son, is how you waft a fucking towel!"
Got me too
Yep, sorry to agree with you again JJ but thats the bit that got me too. Good joke.
|
JonnyJ
Member
Registered: 23rd Sep 05
Location: Scotchland
User status: Offline
|
Well aren't we just two peas in a pod, Joe 
|
Joe
Member
Registered: 20th Jun 04
Location: Hesketh Bank, Lancashire
User status: Offline
|
Yeah, its heartwarming x
|
