Romford Astra
Member
Registered: 13th Aug 01
Location: Romford, Essex Drives:Honda S2000
User status: Offline
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Some old ones, which are still funny, and some new ones that I haven't seen
before.
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a
smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom,
cut off the end,put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1 : What's that?
Lady 2 : A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1 : Where did you get it? Lady 2 : You can get them at any
drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously
embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over
80
years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1 : Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted!
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Four men went golfing one day. Once on the course, three of them
headed to
the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of
the
bill.
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a homebuilder and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said,My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-
line
dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes,
with
all the extras."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged,"My son is a
stockbroker
and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock
portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking
care of
business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our
sons. How
is yours
doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay
bar." The
three friends looked down at the grass and sniggered.
The fourth man carried on, "Admittedly I'm not totally thrilled about
the
dancing job, but he must be doing pretty good. His last three
boyfriends
gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
*******
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a
seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance,
then
casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and
I was
just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."The
lady says, "What's it telling you now?
Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies,
"Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
******
A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their
families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll
have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is
pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have
seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
======================================================
Two buddies, Jeff and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Jeff throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no, Jane will kill me!!"
Steve says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast
pocket and tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you
twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Jeff rolls into home and Jane starts to give him a bad
time.
"You reek of alcohol and you puked all over yourself! My God you
are disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Jeff says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everything! Ish not what you
thinks, I only had a couple drinks! But this other guy got sick
on me... He'd had one too many and couldn't hold his liquor! He
said he was sorry an' gave me $20 for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in his breast pocket, "But this is forty dollars!"
"Oh yea," says Jeff, "I almost forgot! Hess shit in my pants too!"
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