alan-g-w
Member
Registered: 9th Nov 07
Location: Glasgow
User status: Offline
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Long one but good one...
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aircraft.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I’m getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?’
I said, "No, sir. I’m too scared.’"
"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his old boy out. I swear, it was about a foot long and as big around as a baseball bat! "He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this little baby up your ass.’"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first............"
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MarkSport
Member
Registered: 22nd May 09
User status: Offline
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I braked hard but still hit the car in front of me.A cute blond gets out and shouts "Ram me up the arse as hard as you can why don't you!"And this, your Honour, is where all the confusion started...
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willay
Moderator
Organiser: South East, National Events
Premium Member
Registered: 10th Nov 02
Location: Roydon, Essex
User status: Offline
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what do you call a girl with no legs?
dirty cunt.
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MarkSport
Member
Registered: 22nd May 09
User status: Offline
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Twitch
Member
Registered: 3rd Nov 09
Location: Flitwick, Bedfordshire
User status: Offline
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I watched a cracking documentary about the American Special Forces last night.
It was called 'Team America: World Police'.
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sand-eel
Member
Registered: 15th Mar 07
Location: carluke/braidwood--IRNBRULAND
User status: Offline
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lol
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Tomnova16
Premium Member
Registered: 21st Jan 06
Location: Gerrards Cross Drives: Porsche 911
User status: Offline
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What do you call a gay dinosaur thats turned straight,
Tyredofasaurus
http://www.lemass.co.uk/ for all your automotive/bodyshop needs
Located in Chalfont st Peter
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Jamescorsa97
Member
Registered: 19th Aug 04
Location: Middlesbrough Drives: Cliosport 182
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Jakey
I fucked a girl with a stutter last night
It was great, i managed to finish before she said no.
LOLOLOL
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am4nf
Member
Registered: 27th Jul 08
Location: South Ayrshire Drives: Corsa Sport
User status: Offline
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[Edited on 22-12-2010 by am4nf]
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Tomnova16
Premium Member
Registered: 21st Jan 06
Location: Gerrards Cross Drives: Porsche 911
User status: Offline
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Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
http://www.lemass.co.uk/ for all your automotive/bodyshop needs
Located in Chalfont st Peter
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Bissmire
Member
Registered: 30th Sep 08
User status: Offline
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A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."
The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence. "Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality." The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job.
Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."
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Bissmire
Member
Registered: 30th Sep 08
User status: Offline
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ARSENAL F.C.
End of Season Dinner Dance
MENU
Starter
Egg on Face
Seasoned Hash
Frogs legs (past their best)
Spanish Surprise (well beaten)
Main course
Humble Pie
Chump Chops
French (has) Beans
Manager's Beef (not rare)
Catch of the Day - (gutted)
NB: everything is imported, nothing is home grown.
Dessert
Sour Grapes (may be hard to swallow)
Fruitless Tarts
Raspberry Fools
Hard Cheese
Drinks
Bitter
Little Spirit
French Whine
Cabernet Empty 2005/06/07/08/09/10/11
Champagne - sorry none ordered
STRICTLY NO DOUBLES OR TREBLES
NB: drinks should be consumed from glasses as there will be no cups this year.
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Bissmire
Member
Registered: 30th Sep 08
User status: Offline
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I just put a load in the dishwasher
She spat it out though
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Pip308
Member
Registered: 25th Oct 07
Location: Basingstoke Drives: Audi A4 Avant, Mk1 Caddy
User status: Offline
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I had loads to drink last night, so before I went into work I made sure I had plenty of mints just in case anyone could smell alcohol on my breath.Despite this, within minutes, the Boss came up and told me leave the premises until I'd sobered up.
"how did you know I was drunk?" I asked
"you've still got a traffic cone on your head."
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corsa120
Member
Registered: 4th May 02
Location: Northamptonshire
User status: Offline
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women goes to her local pet store in search of parrat, the kind lady in the shop takes the women over to the where there are three parrots.... the shop assistant says the one on the left is £150 the one in the middle is £150 but the one on the right is £20.
the lady abit confused asks the shop assistant why the one on the right is only £20 to which she replies that this particular parrot used to belong to a lady who owned a brothel and he randomly shouts out naughty words, the lady says thats ok my children are grown up and we can handle that.
so the lady gets the parrot home safe and into position...... to which the parrot SHOUTS SLUT.... the lady looks up laughs and accepts well i was warned about this.. so she casually continues about her cleaning.... soon enough her daughter comes home with a friend upon entering the living room the parrot SHOUTS SLAGS........ mum daughter and friend all laugh it off..
later that day the womens husband arrives home his wife kindly asks him into the living room to view there new pet to which the parrot shouts HELLO KEN HOW ARE U???????
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Tomnova16
Premium Member
Registered: 21st Jan 06
Location: Gerrards Cross Drives: Porsche 911
User status: Offline
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Do you know why there is no looting in japan.
Because there's no n*****s
http://www.lemass.co.uk/ for all your automotive/bodyshop needs
Located in Chalfont st Peter
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Balling
Premium Member
Registered: 7th Apr 04
Location: Denmark
User status: Offline
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That's gayer than a couple of unicorns having crazy sparkly buttsex under an enchanted rainbow!
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Bissmire
Member
Registered: 30th Sep 08
User status: Offline
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So, pretty ironic that Eddie Stobarts life was limited to 56
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McWillster
Member
Registered: 23rd Mar 09
Location: Huntly, Aberdeenshire
User status: Offline
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Whad did god say the first time he saw a black man?
Oops i burnt one!
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Ingham
Banned
Registered: 9th May 08
Location: Burnley, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by McWillster
Whad did god say the first time he saw a black man?
Oops i burnt one!
Don't know why I laughed at that but I did
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MarkSport
Member
Registered: 22nd May 09
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Bissmire
So, pretty ironic that Eddie Stobarts life was limited to 56
I heard he suffered a stobheart attack
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Bissmire
Member
Registered: 30th Sep 08
User status: Offline
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That was poor, not a very well articulated joke at all. In all serious though hopefully his friends and family have a hard shoulder to cry on.
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chrisritch
Member
Registered: 2nd Sep 08
Location: Northants Drives: V40
User status: Offline
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whats the difference between Gary Glitter and acne?
Acne waits till kids are 13 before coming on their face
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alan-g-w
Member
Registered: 9th Nov 07
Location: Glasgow
User status: Offline
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Replace Gary Glitter with a priest and you're spot on with that
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Pip308
Member
Registered: 25th Oct 07
Location: Basingstoke Drives: Audi A4 Avant, Mk1 Caddy
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Bissmire
That was poor, not a very well articulated joke at all. In all serious though hopefully his friends and family have a hard shoulder to cry on.
They've already made a film about his life
I've just seen the trailer
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